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Humorous Aphorisms to Teach Comprehension

(When a student doesn’t at least break out in a grin, chances are he doesn’t understand what he has just read. It can be the result of not knowing the meaning of a word or phrase or an allusion to a religious, literary, or historical happening or as in the case of the first one, a lack of life experiences.)  

Warning:  Do not try to read all of these at one time. 

  1. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
  2. Don't be irreplaceable.  If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
  3. Always remember you are unique--just like everyone else.
  4. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
  5. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.  That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.
  6. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  7. If you lend someone $20.00 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
  8. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
  9. Duct tape is like The Force--it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
  10. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
  11. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
  12. Good judgment comes from bad experiences, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
  13. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
  14. There are two theories on how to argue with a woman.  Neither one works.
  15. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
  16. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  17. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
  18. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  19. There is a fine line between "hobby" and mental illness.
  20. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
  21. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
  22. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

More of the same.

 He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

I always know God won't give me more than I can handle, but
there are times I wish He didn't trust me quite so much.

Just going to church doesn't make you a Christian
any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Just going to a mosque doesn't make you a good Moslem
any more than standing in a bakery makes you a baker.

Never be too open-minded.  Your brains might fall out.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of refund checks.

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

A balanced diet is a chocolate chip cookie in each hand.

The 50-50-90 rule: You have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

Remember once you get over the hill, you'll begin to pick up speed.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.

Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away
three weeks before you need it.

Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.

Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?

Experience is a wonderful thing.  It enables you to recognize
a mistake when you make it again.

Learn from the mistakes of others.  Trust me.  You can't live
long enough to make them all yourself.  I know.  I've tried.

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.

Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just
sit there.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both
be changed regularly and for the same reason.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist
fears that this is true.

There is always death and taxes; however death doesn't get worse
every year.

People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them
that Benjamin Franklin said it first.

It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.

I don't mind going anywhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Anything free is worth what you pay for it.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.

I don't get even, I get odder.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator, but I never got around to it.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

I am a nutritional overachiever

My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.

I am having an out of money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

I am in shape. Round is a shape.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

A day without sunshine is like night.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets really bad, I take something
for it.

If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.

I am not a perfectionist. My parents were, though.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but
eventually you find a hair stylist you like.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking
chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

One of life's mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make you
gain five pounds.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at
the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the
tempting moment.

Time may be a great healer, but it's also a lousy beautician.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because
you stopped laughing.


A cheerful heart is good medicine


Don't squat with your spurs on.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure its still there.

If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him...The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

When you give a lesson in meanness to a critter or a person, don't be surprised if they learn their lesson.

When you're throwin' your weight around, be ready to have it thrown around by somebody else.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

There are three kinds of men, the one that learns by reading, the few who learn by observation, and the rest who have to pee on the electric fence to find out for themselves.

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

Only in America...

1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight. (THIS ONE ALWAYS BUGGED ME!)

9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

 

REASONS WHY THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE IS HARD TO LEARN

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present
the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor
ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce
and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?

One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese?  One index, 2 indices?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you
comb through annals of history but not a single annal?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what
do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum
for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play
at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and
feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a
wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be
opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike? How can the weather
be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent?

Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or
experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was
combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable? And where are all those people who
ARE spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can
burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out, and
in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not
computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which,of course,
isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay,
I end it.
 

Think about it.

The most destructive habit..............................Worry
The greatest Joy.......................................Giving
The greatest loss........................Loss of self-respect

The most satisfying work.......................Helping others
The ugliest personality trait.....................Selfishness
The most endangered species.................Dedicated leaders

Our greatest natural resource.......................Our youth
The greatest "shot in the arm"..................Encouragement
The greatest problem to overcome.........................Fear

The most effective sleeping pill................Peace of mind
The most crippling failure disease....................Excuses
The most powerful force in life..........................Love

The most dangerous pariah..........................A gossiper
The world's most incredible computer................The brain
The worst thing to be without.... ................... Hope

The deadliest weapon...............................The tongue
The two most power-filled words......................."I Can"
The greatest asset......................................Faith

The most worthless emotion..........................Self-pity
The most beautiful attire..............................SMILE!
The most prized possession......................... Integrity

The most powerful channel of communication.............Prayer
The most contagious spirit.........................Enthusiasm

Everyone needs this list to live by...pass it along!!!

 

 

A first grade teacher had twenty-five students in her class and she presented each child in her class the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.  Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind  that these are first graders, 6-year-olds

 

1. Don't change horses..........................until they stop.
2. Strike while the.......................................bug is  close.
3. It's always darkest before.....................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ........ termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ........ how?
6. Don't bite the hand that ........................ looks dirty.
7. No news is................................................impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a .............................. Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new .............. math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ............ stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ...................... me.
12. The pen is mightier than the .................... pigs.
13. An idle mind is...............................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ................. pollution.
15. Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ..................... not much.
17. Two's company, three's . the Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what . you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and .......you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ................. Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not .......... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ....................... get new  batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ....... see in the  picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind ................. get out of the way.
25. Better late than.....................................dead.
> >

FOR HUMOROUS READING ON THE WEB TRY

www.clarified.net might be funny/inspirational reading. It is a weekly humorous column by Claire Theriot Mestepey about a woman whose disability seems to be the least of her troubles. Her first book “My Walker and Other Glamorous Accessories” has sold over 4 and is sure to be on the way to being door stops all around the nation.

If you have comments about this website or questions concerning spelling, phonics, learning disabilities, homeschooling, etc., you may always e-mail to DonMcCabe@aol.com.  We appreciate any comments that will help us make this website even more useful.