PUNS:  

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons.  The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."


Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.


Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."


A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them  goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture,she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."


 These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close.  Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet,he suffered from bad breath. This made him .... what? (Oh, man, this is really bad) ... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately ... no pun in ten did.

MORE BAD PUNS

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, couldn't concentrate.  Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.  After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.  Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.  I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.  Then I tried to be a chef--figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.  Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.  My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.  I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.  Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.  I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.  Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.  I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.  I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.  So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.  Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.  After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.  My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.